Here it is... I'm Triggered.
Right here, right now. So I figured I better write it down.
What caused the trigger?
Re-living and documenting events from the past abuse for legal purposes.
Text message from the "child visit" supervisor: "Dad" is pushing boundaries, in respect to the visits, and plans to appear in person at the court hearing.
My Physical Symptoms - PTSD & Stockholm Syndrome
Chest tightness/heaviness and pressure
Increased heart rate
I feel like I want to run - leap out of my body
Unable to concentrate
I tend to experience vivid dreams, especially during times of stress.
Last night, I had the craziest dream.
I dreamed I was in Las Vegas for a work conference.
I was staying in an unfamiliar hotel and was with unfamiliar "co-workers."
I remember thinking, I'm unprepared for this meeting, I don't have the right clothes, and I don't know where to go. I follow my co-workers to the elevator on the 18th floor. We descend to the ground floor and look for a quick spot to get breakfast before the meeting starts.
I'm wearing an inappropriate outfit and forgot my meeting materials. My co-workers suggestion I go back to my room to change and grab my meeting folder. As I walk back, through the Casino maze to find the elevator, there's a series of elevators and I become confused. I wasn't paying attention - and now I'm unsure which elevator bank to choose.
Anxiety sets in - I'm going to be late and I'm lost.
A hotel employee looks at my room key card and points me to an elevator.
It doesn't look familiar but I get in with several other people.
The elevator reminds me of a rock formation - like some sort of Stone Age theme.
The elevator ascends rapidly- twisting and turning erradicately - I'm scared.
It feels like I'm on a gondola swinging above the Las Vegas Strip. How did we end up outside the hotel?
This is wrong!
I'm stuck. I'm lost! How will I get out? How will I find my room now?
I'm so late.
The elevator opens on the 18th floor - nothing looks familiar. I'm definitely on the wrong floor, possibly the wrong hotel.
I wander the floor looking for someone to help me.
I panic.
I wake up. Ugh.
*Heart racing* It was a dream.
Mindful mental note - I'm triggered. Anxiety dream alert!
What Helps Me When I'm Triggered
Focus on breath (box breathing method)
I put my hand on my heart & tell my body, "You are safe, no need to run. Thank you for alerting me to my trigger"
Make a list: call lawyer, call therapist, exercise, nature, write
Write/Blog
Pray
Writing down what I'm feeling helps me organize my thoughts. If I can get this out of me - all the jumble - I can start to untangle it and begin to examine my feelings.
It's not hard to pick apart this dream, I search a couple "dream interpretation" sites.
My dream interpretation suggests:
I'm on an Unfamiliar Path - Unfamiliar Territory
Hotels are Temporary Space, Moving Through Life In Unknown space
Feeling like I'm Falling Short
Afraid of Being Late
Feeling like a Fraud
Feeling Unprepared
Performance Anxiety
Changing Paths & Vulnerable in Making Decisions
Danger Lurking in my Surroundings
Transitioning in Different Modes of Thinking
18 has interesting symbology associated - I looked up the biblical interpretation.
Triggers ebb and flow like the waves of the ocean.
I'm getting better at mindfully recognizing and using tools to help me direct the energy flow. Mindfully, I am recognizing when I need to stay on my path, focused on my purpose.
* 3 days later *
How did all this help? In the past, these triggers would have me "spinning out" for 1-2 weeks. I would find myself lashing out in anger at friends and family. This time I knew I was triggered and immediately took steps to address all the different physical and psychological symptoms, addressed the root cause, and was able to communicate to family and friends what I was feeling.
This is huge progress!
Triggers aren't set backs - They're Opportunities!
It's hard, awkward, uncomfortable, painful, & unsettling - but when you do the work you can make amazing progress. One step at a time.
#lessons #mindfulness #healing #ptsd #emotionaltriggers #domesticabuse #raisingmax #itstartswithme #itstopswithme #healingtrauma #relationships #toxicrelationships #worthy