What Are Emotional & Psychological Triggers?
So, we hear about people getting triggered all the time, we're human, we get triggered. We've all been triggered, but most of us don't realize it or take the time to figure out why. In the past, I'd have a knee jerk response to a trigger, then I would act out or spin out, and then I would sweep it under the rug. I chose not to examine it because it was too hard, too scary, or I just didn't know how. I never learned how to mindfully examine my triggers - until now.
"An emotional trigger could be an item, subject, word, or even memory that evokes very strong negative feeling for you." https://www.portstluciehospitalinc.com/identifying-emotional-triggers-common-triggers-what-they-mean/
"Triggers" that I experience directly related to my PTSD/Traumatic Domestic Abuse
Fear | Sadness |
|---|---|
Anger | Grief |
Irritability | Anxiety |
Insomnia | Insecurity |
But even before the emotional and psychological events, I find I can identify what's happening immediately with the physical signs that I experience:
Increased heart rate and pressure in my chest
Increased body temperature
Brain fog - feeling scattered and unable to concentrate
Increased feeling of "floaty" (not grounded)
Getting Triggered
So, I find myself triggered right and left this past month.
I'll share a couple of stories, the first story is obvious, but the second story took me by surprise.
Story #1: Poking The Bear
It started with "Poking the Bear," that's what I say, when I do something that might get a reaction out of my Ex-husband. I'm metaphorically standing next to a sleeping bear getting ready to poke it, and startle it awake. That bear is going to be mad.
Based on legal advice, I reopened my child support case. For three years, I feared that this action would poke the sleeping bear, and cause a chain reaction that would lead him to:
1. Taking me to family court for a change in custody
2. Retaliating against me - showing up unannounced or having someone hurt us
I imagine the movie scene in the Cape Fear remake, Robert DeNiro, performing pull-ups in jail, plotting his revenge.
If I don't rock the boat... everything will stay the same, right?
But that's not how life works. The logical part of my brain says follow legal advice, and the other fearful part of my brain runs amok saying: if you leave it alone, we'll be left alone.
My mind went all over the place with what-ifs. My Ex-husband made many threats, including kidnapping Max and leaving the country. He talked about sending men to follow me, befriend me, and hurt me in unimaginable ways (cutting out my tongue, beating me so badly that no one would ever want to look at me again, raping me - you get the idea).
I tell myself:
I cannot live in fear. I cannot live in fear.
Make decisions based on Max and what's best for Max.
Make decisions based on love, not fear.
The Child Support Office calls,
"He hasn't responded to the paperwork, so there's a court hearing."
My brain says: Danger, Danger!
I might have to be in the same room with him - Danger!
Cue: Immediate physical and emotional symptoms
Immediately, I notice my blood pressure shoots up, I feel it all over again as I relive the moment. My heart beats fast, I feel panic and fear. I spin out, oh no, what do I do? I start to feel hot, brain fog set in - there is no thinking clearly now.
Ok - I know what this is...I'm triggered.
Ok - What do I do when I'm triggered?
I need my Trigger Handling Tool Kit (See section below for handling triggers)
First thought - Get outside and go for a walk.
Story #2: The Dog
Next significant trigger that I tripped over a few weeks ago: I decided to rescue a dog.
I spent many weeks contemplating what would be the best fit for us: researching breeds and scouring the internet on rescue sites. I was so specific. I want a young dog, ages 1-4, great with kids, who will run and chase us around the yard, and go for long daily walks with me. I found one and started the process. I took my son to meet the dog at a park - he was adorable! There was so much excitement, and I wasn't as grounded as I should have been to really evaluate the dog.
When we got there, I was told they had been at the park for hours walking and hanging out.
The dog hadn't eaten that day, and he was just exercised. The dog seemed tired, a bit hot, and scared. He didn't want to walk or run. He wanted to sit in the shade.
All things to be expected. He was so sweet and adorable, we agreed to take him home.
I trusted the rescue.
After the first 24 hours, I noticed significant problems and discrepancies. I reached out to some trusted friends. I said I was misled and I'm going to have to return him to the rescue. One dear friend text me back, "maybe this isn't the right time for a dog."
I was triggered!
It felt like a slap. It felt like she said: I didn't have what it takes to take care of a dog.
That somehow, I am deficient, I'm not strong enough, I don't care enough.
Woah...she didn't write that.
That was all me, that was all my self-talk.
That's the soundtrack of what my "Ex" said to me (conditioned me to believe) - on playback loop. I immediately went into - I'll show her I can do it. It triggered me to fight - fight for the dog, keep the dog no matter what - prove to everyone else I can sacrifice, that I care.
It took me a little longer to identify the trigger this time.
I didn't text her back right away. I sat with it. I was busy with the dog and Max, so it gave me time to reflect. It took me 2 days to figure out the trigger this time.
How Do I Mindfully Handle My Triggers?
When I first feel the physical symptoms appear I know excess cortisol and adrenaline will be flooding my system. I can feel my heart rate increase and body temperature rise.
I put my hand on my chest, and with gratitude I thank my body. I thank my body for wanting to protect me. I reassure myself: I am safe, and I'm not being attacked. No need for fight or flight.
To help ground myself, I get outside and go for a walk. I focus on my breath. If I'm counting my breathing, (4 seconds inhale in, and hold 4 seconds, and exhale for 4 seconds) it's hard to think of anything else. I like walking through the neighborhood focusing on what's beautiful about it. Sometimes, I walk outside, take a few breaths, and quietly watch a butterfly or bird. It changes my body to a calmer state.
I find I'm more adept at analyzing the trigger during an activity - such as walking, showering, washing the dishes, cleaning, etc. There's something about the power and symbolism of water for me, that I've embraced recently. If I'm showering or washing dishes - I imagine myself cleaning all the negative thoughts and feelings away - down the drain.
Sometimes, like with the dog story, I need to give it space and reflect over a period of 24-48 hours. I ask myself: Why do I feel upset, angry, fearful? Is my pride or ego involved? Is this about me trying to prove I'm worthy? If I take my "worth" out of the equation - meaning my "worth" is no longer up for debate - What's best for this family? Let's think logically. I have my intuition, and in addition to trusting my intuition, let's call a vet and make an appointment. (side note: vet confirmed my intuition)
I have 1 or 2 friends I can call, as a sounding board, who understand my triggers and trauma. You can't call just anyone! Knowing who to call is crucial. It's imperative you consider the source - not just anyone can give the right feedback. Most people mean well, but if you have more anxiety after speaking to them or feel riled up...don't call them when you're triggered.
#1 Trigger From My Past Trauma
I was told repeatedly, for almost a decade, "You Don't Care. You Don't Care About Me."
What did I do - I tried to prove him wrong.
I dug my heels in, and I tried to demonstrate how much I cared.
I bent myself into a pretzel trying to demonstrate how much I cared.
I was like a car with a tire stuck in the snow.... the more I pushed on the gas, the deeper and deeper the tire got buried.
My Ex wanted a grand show of devotion to prove he was #1 in my world. As a result, I told my parents and brother I wouldn't see them anymore. I was coached to tell my family they were toxic, and they couldn't see me or Max. He would sit and listen as I had these conversations over the phone, to make sure I used the right words. If I didn't use the right words, or I hedged my words, I was reprimanded.
I now confront and deconstruct all I was conditioned to believe, and all my conditioned behavior. This healing journey is not linear, it's a rollercoaster.
Like waves in the ocean, it ebbs and flows.
I am learning to be like water.
"Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless, like water." Bruce Lee
#ptsd #domesticabuse #domesticviolence #itstopswithme #raisingmax #healingjourney #emotionaltriggers #stockholmsyndrome #belikewater